


Such Small Hands

by kosherbooty



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst and Feels, Angst and Tragedy, Canon Era, Canon Universe, Canonical Character Death, Dead Marco Bott, Depression, Implied Marco Bott/Jean Kirstein, JeanMarco Week, M/M, Manga Spoilers, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-03
Updated: 2014-11-03
Packaged: 2018-02-24 00:46:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2561852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kosherbooty/pseuds/kosherbooty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Who delivers the grim news to the families of the dead?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Such Small Hands

**Author's Note:**

> I listened to La Dispute's "Such Small Hands" for the first time and put this together because I don't love myself.

 

_"Hey, Marco, I can't even tell which bones are yours anymore..."_

 

It's been a couple days since Jean carried Marco to the pyre. It was Humanity's first victory, but it felt like anything but. Maybe Jean wouldn't have felt so bad if there weren't so many casualties...no, to be completely honest, he wouldn't have felt so bad if atleast _Marco_ made it out alive.

"Jean..." There was a yawn from across the room. It was Armin. "Did you sleep at all?"

He turned, seeing the blonde sitting up in his bunk, Connie following suit. Jean just shook his head, shuffling through the room and getting his things ready. They both knew he had trouble sleeping because the bunk next to his--Marco's bunk--was suddenly empty, but just left it at that. The battle of Trost left almost every soldier who made it out alive unable to sleep, so at least he wasn't the odd one out.

Jean continued his shuffling and packing. He gathered most of Marco's belongings and some things he would need for himself on the trip.

"Are you going now?" Armin asked. Jean just paused, smoothing his hand over his best friend's clothes, giving a slight nod.

"We'll let you know what happens to Eren once you get back." Connie said as Jean headed out the door. That's right. Eren's trial was soon. Jean was pretty broken up about Trost, but wished Eren well. As much as he hated him, he was his comrade.

The sun peeked over the horizon, and Jean knew he was making good time. He didn't have to leave so early, he just didn't want to be bothered with everyone seeing him.  He hopped on his horse and headed for the town of Jinae.

He may have wanted to travel alone, but it only left him with his thoughts. All he could think of was how differently things could have gone...how they should have gone.

If only Eren controlled his Titan better.

If only the Scouting Legion got back to help much sooner.

If only Jean didn't run into trouble with that Titan...

Marco was safe with everyone else. He would've made it...but he was watching--as always--as Jean struggled with a Titan on foot with no gear. Jean shook away the oncoming tears, trying to focus on his path ahead.

Jean tried to tell himself that nothing could be done about it now, that blaming himself wouldn't change the fact that Marco is gone.  It sure as hell doesn't make things any less painful, either.

He loved him.  A lot happened in those three years together, and Jean knew right away that he wasn't about to get over this, not until he met him again.

It was quite some time before Jean arrived in the town of Jinae. It was of course much smaller than his hometown in Trost. He paused, watching a gaggle of kids run through the street with a dog, and wondered if this was the kind of thing he did as a child.

"Hey, you're from the Trainee corps. What's your business here? Why are you alone?" A Garrison soldier snapped him out of his daze. Jean blinked, watching as townspeople began to stare. He hopped off of his horse and pulled a document from his pocket, his permission to take a short leave. The soldier skimmed through it and handed it back to him, granting him access to Jinae. Jean quietly gathered he and Marco's belongings, left his horse at the gate stables and wandered through. He tried to recall he and Marco's conversations about their lives back home. There weren't too many details of exactly where he lived, though...mostly because they agreed Marco would be with him to show him.

The children nearby drew closer, curious of a soldier other than the Garrison wandering through. One, a little girl, approached him. She looked to be about ten. Skinny, brown pigtails, tan skin and a mess of freckles.

Freckles.

Jean loathed children, but needed the comfort of what he admired most about the boy he lost. She smiled, speaking first.

"You're a trainee, huh? You didn't graduate yet?"

Jean paused, still fixated on her freckles. He then shook his head.

"Is it 'cause those titans came through the wall and interrupted your graduation?" She frowned. Jean felt his stomach drop a little. They really did interrupt everything, didn't they? He asked himself over and over again why things happened the way they did.

"What division did you choose?" She leaned in curiously. Jean's hazel eyes dropped to the ground. He and Marco were set on a decision from the very beginning, but now...

"Scouting Legion."

Her eyes widened, a genuine look of fear in them. "You'll die!"

He wasn't surprised to hear those words. Something about it was that he knew he was still chronically depressed if he knew he felt a little glad to hear them...That aside, he wondered whether or not to break it to this kid that even trainees die. She kept going, though.

"My dad joined the scouting legion when I was little. He never came back."

"Sorry." Jean murmured. She shrugged with a smile.

"Me too, for a while. My mom was sad for a long time. She still is sometimes. I wanted to join the MP and live on the interior and maybe then she'll smile more!" She said. Jean wanted to beg this kid not to even try it, but he hesitated, wondering if his depression was clouding his judgement on what would be best for mankind. With the death rate at an all time high, they needed all the help they can get and part of his job was to recruit even the youngest possible, but he couldn't bring himself to subject someone else to the mental anguish he'd gone through.

"Do ya still want to?" He asked.

She hummed, tilting her head. "Well, my brother's s'posed to graduate, too. He promised me that if he made the top ten, he'd join the MP for me. Imagine him serving the King! Mom would be really happy then."

Jean felt a harsh pang in his chest. His breathing hitched and his vision started to blur from tears.

The freckles. It was so obvious. He was so out of it he didn't even consider. Still, he tortured himself by asking,

"What's your brother's name..?"

"Carina Bodt! What did I tell you about bothering strangers?!" A woman's voice approached them. Jeans chest tightened. He was frozen. He came all the way here to do one job and he was struggling more than he ever had.

The girl, Carina, started bouncing with excitement. "Aw mom, he's from Trost! Maybe he can tell us something about Mar--"

" _Enough_ , Carina." Her mother sighed. She turned to Jean, offering a smile. "I'm sorry. She's been so lonely since she's the only kid in the house now."

Jean looked at the shorter woman, and agreed that she honestly did look sad. Her eyes were dark and had bags forming under them. Her hair was long, black, shiny, just like Marco's, but out of place. He wondered if it would really do any good if he told them what happened. He honestly felt like laughing at her statement, patting Carina on the head and heading right back to Trost.

But that isn't what Marco deserves. They'd find out sooner or later, and it might as well be honest and quick.

Jean straightened, clearing his throat and clutched the satchel of Marco's things in his hands. "Then...you are Aida Bodt..?"

There was a pause. She blinked, possibly wondering why he would ask that. Then it hit her. She finally realized why Jean was here.

Jean expected a full on break down, but Aida just shook a little, turning away from him. Is it right to say that it's only natural to react this way after you already lost your husband to the titans? The look on her face made Jean feel nauseous. It made him shudder when he was supposed to be standing tall, proud, representing Marco and the brave soldier he was. All Jean could wonder was how long he could hold his grip.

Maybe he shouldn't have let Aida invite him into their home for tea.

"104th Squad Leader, Marco Bodt, fought valiantly in the battle of Trost. He was a valuable asset to humanity and an honor to your name." He hoped his voice wasn't shaking too badly. It was bad enough that he couldn't look at them, especially Carina.

Maybe he shouldn't have agreed when Aida suggested placing Marco's things in his room himself.

His room.

Jean hardly knew if it was even about honor anymore or if it was just to savor Marco's scent one last time. It was as painful as it was worth it. Even after all this time, his room, his bed...still smelled like him. His eyes began to swell again. He felt another presence enter te room, just silently standing at the door.

Jean turned, seeing little Carina standing there with a blank expression on her face. She was standing completely still, staring right through Jean with all too familiar eyes. Jean bit back his emotions once more, standing straight.

"I...I'm still going to join the Scouting Legion. Don't worry though, I won't die. I promised him I'd make him proud...so I can't." He said. That promise he made that night to Marco would be his strength to draw from. Carina didn't utter a word. She hasn't said anything since Jean delivered the news she so desperately wanted about her brother. She just stood still, trying to process. Jean took the opportunity to say one last thing.

"You'd better not get any ideas...stay here. Take care of your mom."

With that, he finally took his hands off of Marco's things. Tears darted down Carina's cheeks as Jean exited Marco's room.

He figured he would check if Aida was alright, and she just sat quietly at the dining room table, possibly trying to manage the shock, possibly trying to figure out where to begin piecing herself back together with both her husband and son gone.

"I wanted to stop him. I wanted to keep him home. He would do it if I asked...he was a good boy, after all." she nodded, still staring into space.  "But he was so passionate about joining. He was so excited when he left for training. I'd be a bad mother if I selfishly made him stay, right? I was the one who was afraid, not him..."

"He...Marco...was very brave..." Jean tried to say something.  He didn't want to just stand there.

"Yes. He and his father share that trait. I should take comfort and be proud of that, right?" she nodded.  Jean didn't know how to respond.  After a short pause, her face slowly began to contort from oncoming tears.  "But I just can't help but wonder if...if when he met his end...was he afraid then?"

Jean wanted to say something, anything, but nothing came.  Aida just slowly placed her head in her hands, sobbing.  Jean's head was pounding, and he thought he was going to have another break down, but he refused to do so here.  

"I'm sorry." he bowed his head quietly.  He quietly left the Bodt home, he ignored the stares from the townspeople--who knew all too well what just happened--headed straight for his horse, and returned to Trost.

* * *

 

It's been months since the Battle of Trost. It's felt like forever, though. The days are far too long without him. Maybe it was the depression, but Jean could still feel Marco watching him sometimes. He struggled so much since joining the Recon Corps, to the point where he had to drag himself out of bed some days.

Some nights before falling asleep, he would just lie awake and talk to Marco, like the old days.

 

Hey, Marco...

It hasn't been that long, but it feels like forever. A lot's happened, y'know.  I joined the Scouting Legion, and like you said, I ended up doing pretty damn good. I mean, I’m not dead yet.  You know Humanity’s Strongest? I’m actually on his elite squad now.  You don’t have to worry too much, though.  We’re not even beyond the wall.  We’re within it, fighting our own kind instead of what’s trying to kill us.  Yeah, I know, it’s too much to explain.  I thought I understood how the world works and how to not bother myself with all the fucked up parts of it, but...I ended up being involved anyway.  You’re gone, our numbers are decreasing more than ever, and the cause of all that was looking us right in the face all those years.  Bertholdt...Reiner...Annie...would you have thought, Marco? Would you have guessed?

Y’know, to be honest...after that night at the pyre, when I made the decision to join the Recon Corps, I knew the odds of me making it out alive were slim, but I didn't even really care. If I live to see the end of the titans, then that’s it, that’s the end...but if I die by the titans, then at least I’d meet you again.  I don’t think you get it, Marco...I was so sad, so hopeless. I still kinda am.  Time doesn't heal shit.  But y’know...I actually want to live now.  I want to live because...we slept in the same quarters as the Colossal and Armored Titan you know? We trained together with the Female Titan.  They’re the ones who know everything...if the wall wasn't broken down a second time, no one would've had to die...you’d still be here.  I want to live to get their explanation.  I want to know why they did their part in killing our comrades...in killing you.

Marco...I wonder if you would still choose the Military Police.  I wonder, even after finding out how corrupted it is, how you would react to it? I wonder if it would've broken your heart to find out just what kind of bastard those higher ups really are, that the King you were so eager to serve was actually a fake.  I wonder if...maybe you were too good to go through any of this with me...too good for this shitty world in the first place.  Yeah.  I can actually make sense of that.

I met your family.  That was supposed to be under completely different circumstances, I know, but I couldn't just let them wonder.  Marco, I hope your sister isn't as stupidly stubborn as you.  I hope she didn't do something idiotic after I left, like enlist.  I hope I read that look in her eyes completely wrong.

You know, Marco, it’s really selfish of me, but when Captain Levi asks who’s doing night duty, I never volunteer.  I never want to do it.  I want to sleep.  I want to see you again...but things have gotten pretty heavy here, with the uprising and all.  It’s gotten a hell of a lot more dangerous, but don’t worry, I refuse to let anything happen...not before I get my answers.

I want to live because I want to know. Until then, just wait for me, Marco. 

**Author's Note:**

> Welp I wrote this like AGES ago but when I saw Isayama's update on Marco REALLY being an older brother I couldn't handle. How many more of my painful headcanons will come to life?


End file.
